I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
