I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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