I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
