im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
