I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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