I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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