Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
