I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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