she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
