This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
