i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
