This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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