Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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