So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
