If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
