I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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