All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
