Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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