My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
