Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
