I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
