My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
