I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
