If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
