Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
