I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
