If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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