The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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