Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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