I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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