apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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