I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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