I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
