i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
