Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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