if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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