im six kinds of drunk right now
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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