if i can run in heels then i can drive
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
