you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
