whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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