id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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