I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
