it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
