anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
