you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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