So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
