So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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