I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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