A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You did what with his pubic hair?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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