and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
