my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
