I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
